Wednesday, June 6, 2012

The Dissection of a Love's Death


You don’t believe in relationships. You’re too wild a stag to be tamed. Ungettable. You’ve been single since almost forever now and you enjoy every bit of it. You party hard, are up for intimacy without the intricacy. You’d die single, you’re genuinely happy to admit it to yourself.

Well, she’s almost the same. The problem.

It’s the perfect combination. You’re wildly happy when together. You tell each other what you have is nothing, but your heart still skips a beat when you kiss her goodbye, but you’re both scared of admitting it to yourselves or each other. Your friends who’re too used to you being the whore suddenly sit up and notice what’s up?

Your union feels just perfect. Your bodies are meant for each other and there’re fireworks everywhere around you. Why would you do it with a hundred weird people when this one is just perfect for you?

That’s how some people embrace monogamy. Slowly, scared and very carefully. Scared because you’re scared of your own fiddle mind and you might hurt the other one.

But for the first time you really care. You admit it to them. Impulsively casually. She accepts she’s held it in for too long as well.

You’re just perfect. Equally mad. Equally fucked up.

Dedicate a song for yourself because suddenly you feel like you invented love. Fall in love. Be in love.

Meet a cute girl and notice it. Don't flirt with her, but think about her for the rest of the day. Have sex with your partner that night, 'cause since you saw that girl, all you've wanted to do was fuck. But all this is normal, and you still love your girlfriend, really and truly. Honestly, actually.

Have your first fight. Don’t talk for a day and make up quickly. Have your first string of fights. Say mean stuff, very mean. Hurt her, get yourself hurt. There’s a weird pleasure in this pain.

Go for an open relationship. Your relationship is now “secure.” Realize what you had been missing all this while. Live your single self again. Live the life you’ve been missing. Get bored. You’re perfect for each other. Embrace her again.

Move in. See her everyday. Fight over cleaning the utensils in the morning and give her a feet massage when she returns from office in the evening. Gaze at the sky together. This feels good. This is it.

Something goes missing. Begin to fight more regularly, and notice yourself becoming increasingly passive aggressive. Hate that about yourself. Move out, give each other some “space.” You could use some space. You could use a lot of space. The space feels nice.

Fight after dinner at her place and you’re stuck with nowhere to go. She spews venom at you, you retaliate right back. Break up. Cry on her shoulder. Hug tight and sleep, its your last night together. Two and half years pass by in two and a half hours.

Get your hair cut or a new shirt, even though no one will notice. She would have noticed. Sigh. Wish you were still together. Wait, no, wish you were still together...but happy. Reminisce about falling in love and that part where you were so excited and you had all the sex all the time and you giggled.

Stop talking to her altogether, because it's too hard, and block her from Facebook, because you just don't want to know. Ask your friends to give you regular updates on her profile though. Spend a LOT of time with your friends - sober - and realize how important they are. Realize that your friendships are relationships, just not romantic, and they're important too.
Talk to people who have been through breakups and realize you're not alone. Because just like you thought you invented love, you also thought that you invented heartbreak. Understand that this awful, debilitating sentiment is not limited to only you. 
But everything still hurts. Realize that they all survived, and that heartbreak is a common experience, crushing though it may be. Know that most everyone else lived through it, and now you're a part of this big, beautiful thing, this universal feeling, this harrowing experience. You'll live through it, because everyone else did. You'll probably live through it again. Write a haiku about this feeling and post it on your Blog. Everyone likes it! They've been there, too.

Sleep with someone else, and realize that's something you can do. High five people and go through the day all chipper, 'cause you had sex last night, bitch! Wish it was sex with her, but know that can't happen. Sleep with other people! Or don't! Either way, realize your own autonomy, and
 relish it. Keep missing her, but feel something new: Relief.

Understand you probably felt it the second you broke things off, but couldn't admit it, because admitting it would mean you didn't love her. Don't worry, you did, you really did. But sometimes it's just not enough, and sometimes it just doesn't work. Stop blaming yourself, or stop blaming her. Both. The relief is so honest, and you hope she feels it too, whatever she's doing these days.

Start talking again, and get your friendship back. Realize how much you've missed her! Not her in your arms, or her in your bed, but her as a person. She knows you so well, and vice versa.

Wait, are you still in love with her?

Think about it for a second...nah. But you do love her, just not like that, which, by the way, still doesn't mean you want to meet her new boyfriend. Realize you might be happy, and not only that, but happy for her.

Date around a little, but don't get into anything serious. You're not looking for a relationship, 'cause you know who you're dating? Yourself. Because if you can't make it work with yourself, then how are you supposed to make it work with anyone?

(The post is an adapted by the writer to suit his own heartbreak from a similar post by Katrina on Autostraddle. All heartbreaks are the same yet all are so different!)